i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize