Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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