Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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