worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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