Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
