im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
