Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
