This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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