how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
