watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I forget how to act sober
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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