Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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