butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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