forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
In other news, I just burned my penis
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
