He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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