you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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