I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
