I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
