May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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