I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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