I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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