Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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