it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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