She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
be right there i have to get my cape
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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