her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
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