Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
