just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
