elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize