Michael Bay diarrhea
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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