Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
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