I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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