Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
