she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
