I think I died a long time ago.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize