im having a threesome with these popsicles
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
