I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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