matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
