she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
