I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I did not marry a roomba.
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