I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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