Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
