saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
