Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
