i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
The Olympian is in my bed
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
