he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
