Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
