Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
