Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
