You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
