I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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