I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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