made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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