I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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