you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize