I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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