College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
