shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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