Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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