Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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